No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.