I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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