don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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