The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
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So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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