Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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