I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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