I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
