Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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