so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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