I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
