By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
