Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
