i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
