i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
