just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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