How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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