Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My feet surprised me
Randomize
