i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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