My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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