i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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