what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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