His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
