The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
