Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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