I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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