I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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