Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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