Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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