I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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