Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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