i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
