im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
