Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
