to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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