I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
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So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
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I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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