Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
