just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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