Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
