i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
