Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
