better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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