My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
