I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
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This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
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YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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