What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
