Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
