thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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