It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
