I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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