I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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