I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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