sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
