either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My hand turned me down
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
