I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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