Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
