I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
